I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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