I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
