she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
