This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
