this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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