I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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