I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
