i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Randomize
