I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
