we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
