Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
