oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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