My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
