I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
