Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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