Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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