Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
