Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
My breasts were aching with rage.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
