you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You ate ashes out of my bong
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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