I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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