don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
