guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
