i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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