Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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