every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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