I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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