On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
did you just send me my own nude
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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