I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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