You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
