I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
