I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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