Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
