remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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