Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
