Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
