How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You ruined the universe
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
