I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
