i just made my gag reflex go away.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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