You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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