we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
