Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
