Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
