I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
