Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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