im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Randomize
