dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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