He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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