Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
