3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Randomize
