I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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